


How am i supposed to breathe? (when all my heart does is bleed)

by purpleraindr0ps



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, Hesitation, M/M, Regrets, Romance, but my heart still breaks for him, drama?, idk really, jongin is an idiot here, kind of?, sobs, this is like so old but whatever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2016-10-29
Packaged: 2018-08-27 08:02:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 9,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8393596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purpleraindr0ps/pseuds/purpleraindr0ps
Summary: Second chances don't come along just because you want them to.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> repost.

Cold. So cold it reaches down to your very bones – seeping into your blood. So cold it penetrates your veins, numbs your heart and ultimately – inevitably - freezes your soul. Like a thousand knives coming at you – piercing through skin and slicing past flesh. You can’t breathe, you can’t think. Your senses are encased in ice. You’re frozen, buried alive in an icy tomb.

 

-

 

Jongin wakes up abruptly in the middle of a night, heart pounding furiously in his chest - the fabric of his pyjamas clinging uncomfortably onto his lean body. The beads of perspiration, the small miniscule droplets of cold sweat feel alarmingly like a thin layer of liquid on his burning feverish skin. Like an unwanted second skin wrapping relentlessly around him, preventing the flow of oxygen from reaching him, cruelly cutting off his air supply. He struggles with himself, clenching his eyes shut and tries to break free, to breathe again. Jongin feels stifled, he feels so suffocated, and it frustrates him to the point of tears forming and prickling at the edges of his obsidian orbs.

And as he lays there, chest heaving and breaths coming out in harsh ragged gasps – as he continues to struggle for air, Jongin feels the dark shadows – the lingering ghosts- of his nightmare fade and vanish. Only to be confronted with reality. A reality that is more frightening than any nightmare Jongin has ever had. The reality that he’s all alone in this cold cold world.

A strangled sob escapes Jongin as his heart aches suddenly - a solitary tear making its way down a cheek. Jongin knows the exact reason for the pain, and the knowledge has him shoving the bedcovers aside in annoyance. He sits up; legs bent and elbows resting atop his knees. Taking his spinning head into his trembling hands, Jongin’s fingers clutch at his midnight black hair, and starts pulling and tugging at it. He parts his dry cracked lips and lets out a growl, a low growl of helplessness. Jongin’s confused. So confused. He doesn’t know what to do, what to feel. Jongin is lost, floating around aimlessly, neither here nor there.

A cool breeze floats by, entering through the open windows, and gently caresses Jongin’s heated skin. The young man relishes in the sensation, lifting his head up and letting his hands fall to his sides, as he inhales deeply. A small smile makes its way to his lips as the air rushes straight into his lungs. A smile that gets erased as soon as it appears. The wind smells faintly of Jasmine. _His_ favorite flower. Jongin’s blinks the traitorous tears away as he swallows the lump in his throat.

He hastily looks around for something to distract him from the rising feeling of despair in the pits of his stomach, the feeling of anguish, the dreaded feeling of loss. Jongin’s gaze falls onto the right side of his bed – it’s cold and empty.

Jongin’s heart clenches painfully and it gets so hard to breathe again.

  
The room is deadly silent, like an abandoned graveyard. The silence is overwhelming, eerie, and yet at the same time, it’s loud. So loud, deafeningly loud.

Jongin wants to scream, wants to do something, _anything_ to break the silence – the silence which is slowly but surely eating him inside, killing him softly bit by little bit. So he takes in a shuddering breath, throws his head back, and lets an agonized scream claw and tear itself out from his throat.

Jongin screams till the air in his lungs run out, he screams till his throat feels strained. He screams out, long and hard. Jongin screams till his voice cracks, till his eyes start to water.

Till tears start flowing from the dark pools of his eyes.

And then it’s quiet again. But this time, the silence is punctuated by the sounds of laboured breathing and muffled sobs.

Trembling hand against mouth, Jongin valiantly tries to stifle his cries. His cheeks are wet, his vision blurring, his eyes drowning.

It’s silent, so silent. Jongin cannot hear anything. He cannot hear anything but the ghosts of yesterdays. His voice, his words, his laughter. His whispers and his breath against his ear.

Yixing.

Jongin hears Yixing, and he wants so much to ignore it – to brush it away, to erase it from his mind.

Jongin wants to forget the way how that melodious voice had sounded to him – warm, mellow, and comforting. Haunting. He wants to forget how the peals of laughter had tinkled magically in the breeze.

He wants to forget how Yixing had once whispered “I love you”.

Jongin wants so much to forget, but at the same time, he’s afraid of losing the memories – he doesn’t want to let go of all the snapshots stored in his mind. Jongin knows he’s holding onto something that has been long gone, something that doesn’t belong to him anymore. He knows very well that he’s foolishly and desperately clinging on to the past when he should let go, but Jongin has always been a stubborn kid. Holding onto nothing but fading shadows, yesterdays’ ghosts.

He hates that he hurts, he hates that he’s hurting so much. Jongin has always hated the feeling of hurt, of being in pain. Yixing had once told him that the ability to feel pain was what makes them human, because how can there be a rainbow if there’s no rain. How can a person feel happiness if he’s never experienced pain. Jongin had chuckled at the cheesy words as he nods his agreement – if only to humor the older boy. Jongin thinks that if being human means that he has to undergo such agony, he’d rather be dead. But he knows, deep down, that the heartbreak he’s experiencing is proof that the limited time they spent together is actually a reality and not just a fleeting dream.

A reality that feels so very much like a far-away dream. A reality that has passed its expiration date. A reality, which can only be relived in memories. A story which has ended before its allocated time-span, never to be continued.

A story never to be completed.

A story which has been plagued by hesitations and regret.


	2. Meeting Yixing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> right. so um..this is a repost and was written back in 20..13. 2013 yes. so its one of my older fics, and there are some parts that could/should be improved and re-written but alas! I'm a lazy-ass so this is what you lovely people will get.
> 
> enjoy! <3

“Hello. Can I take your order sir?”

Kim Jongin, nineteen, spared the cashier a quick glance before returning his attention to the huge menu mounted on the wall. He frowns slightly at the number of items there is, the different types of beverages. Why the hell does a coffee place have so many variations of the same thing anyway? Caffeine is caffeine, who cares if there’s caramel, whipped cream, or green tea extract in it? Green tea in coffee? Is that even legal? Jongin fights down the urge to shudder.

Jongin has never been in such places before, always bullying Joonmyun or Sehun into grabbing him something whenever he has a craving.

“Sir? Your order?” the cashier spoke up again, frowning slightly. Jongin notes that the cashier is a girl, a petite little thing, with bleached hair and purple streaks in the white blonde strands. He also notes that she’s looking at him with a perplexed expression. Jongin’s brows furrow.

“Why are you looking at me like that? I’m not doing anything to you.”

The cashier, Becca – her name tag reads, rolls her eyes and grits out. “Yes sir, but you’re in a queue at a coffee place and when the cashier asks you for your order; you give her you freaking order.”

Jongin’s frown deepens, and he looks over his shoulder. Turning back to face the irate girl, he places his palms on the counter top and leans forward. “Tell me Becca. Do you have the ability to see ghosts? Because there’s no one behind me and so technically speaking, I’m not in a queue. Am I right?”

Straightening back up and crossing his arms across his chest, Jongin sends a wide grin in her direction – amusement dancing in his eyes.

There’s a loud snort somewhere behind him as Becca throws up her hands and mutters, “Oh my god, he’s insane.” Squinting her eyes and shooting Jongin a glare, she raises her voice and calls out. “Oy! Zhang Yixing, come here to deal with this lunatic.”

“Yah! I’m no longer an employee here so I suggest you deal with your own shit. And I have half a mind to tell management about how you’re treating your customers so you better watch it.”

Jongin turns around and sees a young man seated at one of the tables with a half-eaten muffin in his hands. The man, Zhang Yixing presumably, shoots a look at Jongin and grins. Jongin shrugs off the strange lurch he gets in his stomach and raises an eyebrow in his direction.

Kim Jongin does not smile at random strangers in a coffee house with ridiculous menus and employees. No matter how cute said stranger is.

“Oppa, Yixing oppa,” Becca says as she steps out from behind the counter and walks towards the still grinning man. Stopping at his table, she pastes a smile on her face. “Fuck you okay, fuck you.”

Yixing’s grin widens as he raises a hand to gently pat the girl’s cheek. “Sorry honey, but you’re not exactly my type.” He lets his gaze run along the length of her body. “Too much fire. I’m afraid I won’t have enough in me to put out the flames.”

The petite cashier rolls her eyes and walks away. “Go to hell Yixing.”

“You’ll miss me too much,” laughs Yixing as he raises the muffin to his lips.

Realising that Jongin is still standing at the counter; he sighs and looks at his muffin with a longing expression, before putting it down and makes to stand up. Brushing off the crumbs from his clothes, he begins walking towards the counter, gentle smile playing on his lips. He stops beside Jongin, leans his side against the wood and asks – mischief lacing his voice and sparkling in his eyes. “Ready to order now, sir?”

Jongin notes with sharp eyes that Zhang Yixing was a few centimeters shorter than him, has fair skin, a head of reddish-brown hair, dancing mocha brown eyes, a delicate nose, and a pair of luscious looking lips colored in the perfect shade of pale pink. Jongin notes that this Zhang Yixing looks nothing short of beautiful.

Yixing laughs breezily and cocks his head to one side as he looks at the dazed young man. “Not decided yet huh.”

Jongin feels his brain get short-circuited when he hears wind chimes in the air and sees a dimple indented into Yixing’s left cheek. He stares unabashedly at the man in front of him, his hazy mind urging him to reach out a hand and touch a cheek, to press into the softness with his fingers. A soft cough wakes him up from his reverie and he realizes that Yixing is peering up at him with an expression of bemusement.

“Sorry, I er..i don’t really come to places like this and well, I don’t know what to order?” Jongin mutters – face heating up in embarrassment and hand scratching awkwardly at the back of his nape.

“Oh! That’s perfectly alright. Go on and take a seat, I’ll get you something,” Yixing smiles brightly at him before heading into the small kitchen.

Jongin stands there blankly- completely disarmed by that dancing dimple - for a minute, feeling his heartbeat kick up a notch. His mind swirls into a confusing array of emotions and he frowns lightly at all the different feelings.

He’s once again shaken out of his trance by Yixing when the latter sticks his head out from behind the door and makes a shooing motion with his hands. Once he disappears back into the kitchen, Jongin shakes his head to clear his thoughts and heads for the table where Yixing was seated.

Jongin sits rigidly on a wooden chair and proceeds to attempt sorting out all the conflicting voices in his head. He-he’s just taken aback by Zhang Yixing’s pretty face that’s all, blown away by that beauty. He isn’t, he’s not..he couldn’t be falling.

“Here you go,” a Styrofoam cup is placed before him. Yixing sits on the chair facing Jongin across the table. Resting his elbows on the table, face in his palms, Yixing quirks an eyebrow and looks pointedly at the cup. “I’m not sure if it’s to your liking or not, but try it anyways. Chocolate latte with a dollop of whipped cream. One of my favorites.”

Jongin looks at the bright grin on Yixing’s face and slowly brings the drink to his lips. He takes a sip and immediately gets a sugar rush. Fighting to keep his face from scrunching up, he mumbles under his breath. “It’s um, a little too sweet for my liking.”

“Should I get you something with less sugar then? I mean, you’re here as a customer after all, and customers always come first so – “

Jongin cuts him off by reaching over cover Yixing’s hand with his own. “It’s alright, really,” he smiles. “I’m sure I can get used to the taste after a while.”

Yixing looks at him in surprise before looking down at their hands – Jongin’s over his. Jongin gets hit by a sudden wave of self-consciousness and he hurries to retract his hand. “Sorry about that.” Yixing simply waves off the apology with a flick of his hand and a roll of his eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous, you didn’t have to apologize for that.”

“You’re a strange one aren’t you,” he laughs good-naturedly, eyes squinting slightly in amusement at Jongin.

Jongin’s head jerks up at the sound of twinkling bells and he finds himself gazing at bright alive brown eyes and perfect pink lips that were slightly curled upwards around the edges. He also finds himself speechless, his tongue glued to the roof of his mouth. He makes a strange gurgling noise at the back of his throat and promptly wishes for the ground to open up and swallow him.

Yixing leans forward in his seat and peers curiously into his face. “Hey. You alright? Your face has gone red.” Placing a hand on Jongin’s forehead, he mutters under his breath. “You’re not having a sudden attack of fever are you?” When Jongin shakes his head slowly only to nod furiously soon after, he laughs again and sits back down.

“You’re cute you know,” Yixing grins – the corners of his eyes crinkling. “But I still haven’t found out what your name is. Maybe you want to tell me? Just so I don’t feel like such a creep calling a nameless stranger cute? I’m Zhang Yixing by the way, if you didn’t already know.”

Jongin feels time slowing down and hears the soft _lub dub lub dub_ beneath his ribcage. He finds no explanation as to why he simply can’t seem to look away from this Zhang Yixing’s face. He can’t explain why he’s so attracted and drawn to those perfectly- shaped lips.

Jongin wonders how that mouth would taste beneath his own. The thought shakes him rudely from his reverie because _dammit, he had just fantasized about kissing a stranger._

Kim Jongin doesn’t believe in love. He does not fall for anyone. Ever.

When he realizes rather belatedly that Yixing is still looking at him expectedly with shining eyes, a small sheepish smile creeps onto his face.

“Jongin, Kim Jongin. It’s nice to meet you Zhang Yixing,” he says, internally marvelling over the way those foreign syllables roll off his tongue.

Jongin thinks, as he enters a dream-like trance, that the name is absolutely beautiful – perfect for such a beautiful boy.

He forgets that he doesn’t believe in the thing called love.

But when he hears musical giggles fill the air, when Yixing says It’s nice to meet you too Kim Jongin, he decides that maybe, just maybe, it’s alright to forget every once in a while.

 

-*&*-

 

It takes Jongin only a total of 5 minutes to find himself completely at ease in Yixing’s presence. He finds that the other man effortlessly radiates a comforting warmth, a very attractive and pleasant aura. Yixing is friendly, exceptionally so, and it proves to be a good thing. Jongin has always been a person who takes his time when it comes to warming up to people, and the fact that Zhang Yixing has managed to get his guard down in a span of a few short minutes, only served to make himself that more attractive in the calculative and skeptical eyes of Jongin.

Jongin finds himself laughing unreservedly at Yixing’s jokes, some of them rather weird but the wide smile on Yixing’s face makes up for it anyway. He opens himself up to the other man, talking about his family, his friends, his hobbies and what he’s studying. _Oh! You dance too? That’s just plain awesome dude._

He finds out that Yixing comes from a place in China called Changsha, that he’s a year older than Jongin himself, and that he loves snacking. _It’s a good thing I don’t gain weight that easily then_ , he laughs easily - the laugh that Jongin has fallen in love with.

Jongin finds out that Yixing is a majoring in music, _Hey! We should totally do a collaboration one day; it’ll blow people’s minds with our awesomeness!_ , and Jongin finds himself wishing that that day would come sooner rather than later.

“But you’ve never seen my dance,” Jongin says. “How do you know if I’m any good?”

Yixing simply shoots him a cryptic smile – complete with wriggling eyebrows – and taps his nose. “I just do.”

Yixing works part-time as a dance instructor in that studio down Namsan Street every Mondays, Wednesdays, and sometimes on Sundays, from 6 to 10 in the evenings. “You should pop by if you have the time!” exclaims the older boy. Jongin had nodded rather energetically with a grin threatening to split his face.

And on Tuesdays and Thursdays, he teaches guitar for free down at the orphanage. "Sometimes the kids request for piano music as well. They don’t have a piano though, so I just make do with the portable keyboard that I bring along." Yixing had said all these with a gentle smile and a fond expression upon his face.

Jongin decides that Yixing is a genuinely nice person, and he gets a little more attracted to the older boy. But still, doesn’t he get tired from running all over Seoul for his jobs? Jongin voices out the concern with a slight frown and gets a slight shrug and soft smile as a response. “Sure it’s tiring, but I enjoy what I do and the smiles on those children’s face make it all worth it.”

“Is that why you quit your job here? Since you’re so busy making little kids happy?” Jongin suddenly asks with a grin attached on his lips.

Yixing looked at him with surprise briefly before throwing his head back and breaking out into peals of laughter. “Well yes, that and I couldn’t stand working with an emotionally unstable girl anymore,” he smirks – leaning forward and dropping his voice dramatically. “The boss’s daughter is difficult to be around with, to say the least.”

“You mean Becca? She’s the daughter of your ex-boss?”

“Of course. I mean, why else would she dare to be so rude to customers and not worry of being fired?” replies Yixing. “Oh wait, I have a text. Let’s see...”

Jongin watches as Yixing’s eyes widen comically and a look of horror gets plastered to his face. “Shit shit shit, I’m so dead. He’s going to slaughter me,” the words spew out the older boy’s mouth as he jumps to his feet and grabs his bag.

Swinging the backpack over his shoulder, Yixing looks over at a slightly stunned Jongin and grabs the latter’s hand – giving it a quick shake. “It was nice meeting you Jongin. I wish we had more time to talk but I really have to go now. Bye!”

Jongin quickly get to his feet and calls out to the hurriedly retreating back. “Yixing wait!,” the boy turns around with wide orbs. He’s fidgeting on the spot as if he has ants in his pants, and Jongin would have chuckled at the sight if he wasn’t worried about never seeing the other boy again. “At least give me your number,” he blurts out.

Yixing stares blankly at him for a quick second before an impish grin spreads out across his cheeks. “My mama says never to give out my number that easily. See you around Jongin!,” he gives Jongin a wave, and before the younger boy can utter a word, he’s already flying out the door.

 

“What the actual fuck was that about?”

 

Jongin hears a loud snort and spins around to the sight of Becca trying valiantly to keep a straight face.

The young man briefly looks over his shoulder at the glass door where Yixing had just disappeared from, takes his phone out of the pocket of his dark red skinnies, and struts over to the pint-sized girl.

Pasting a seductive smirk on his face, the one that he knew made people go weak in the knees, Jongin reaches out a hand to tuck a strand of hair behind Becca’s ear.

“Be a sweetheart and give me his number will you?’

 

-*&*-

 

Yixing is running flat-out towards the university auditorium, dodging people left right and center, when he sees Jongdae waving his arms frantically in the air. He skids to a halt in front of his constipated-looking junior, bent over double and clutching his side – chest rising and falling in rapid succession.

As he attempts to catch his breath, Yixing faintly hears Jongdae ranting and rattling on like a bullet train about how much trouble he was in. It’s difficult making sense of the words over the loud pounding of blood in his ears and his erratic breathing.

“…and I’m telling you that you’re so dead and – “

“Jongdae dude, relax yes?,” Yixing manages to choke out once his heartbeat has slowed down. “You’ll still have your hyung when this is over. Don’t worry, I won’t die that easily.”

The younger boy looks like his eyes are going to pop out of his sockets as he grabs Yixing by the shoulders. “Xing Xing hyung,” he whines. “Are you even listening to me? We’re talking about Kris here! Oh my god, he’ll be so furious. Why the hell are you so late anyways?!”

Yixing shrugs lightly and shoots Jongdae a dimpled grin. “I kind of met someone?”

“Alright alright,” he hurries to sling an arm over Jongdae’s shoulders and begins steering them to the auditorium. The boy had a twitching eye which reminded Yixing of old Mr. Chen who had a stroke just a few days ago. “We’ll sneak in from the back okay? And I’ll treat you to a meal when it’s over.”

Jongdae huffs and crosses his arms, saying nothing. “Aww come on. I already said I’m sorry. No wait,” frowns the older boy. “Actually I haven’t but whatever. You know I’m sorry right?”

“We’re getting beef at Kyungsoo’s restaurant,” Jongdae says, giving Yixing a pointed look. “You’re getting me beef if you want my forgiveness hyung.”

“Beef?! At Kyungsoo’s? You must be out of your m -,” Jongdae quirks a brow at him.”Okay fine. I’ll get you beef. But must it be at Kyungsoo’s? It’s so expensive and we both know you’re a pig.”

“My forgiveness is at stake here, Xing hyung,” he pauses then smirks at the older boy. “Don’t worry, I bet Kyungsoo hyung will get us a special discount if I bring Baek along.”

“Baekhyun’s coming too? But that means two pigs!,” Yixing pretends to sob hysterically. When he sees that Jongdae is simply staring at him with a blank look, he gives up.

“You’re lucky you’re one of my favorite juniors,” glares the older boy. “There goes half of my salary.”

“I’m warning you though, if you order a ridiculous amount of food, I’m running out of the restaurant and you can jolly well wave goodbye to a hyung who spoils you way too much,” a frown appears on Yixing’s face. “You know what, order as much as you can. That way I’ll be rid of you forever.”

"Don’t be so dramatic hyung, you know perfectly well you love me too much to ever leave. And hey! Guess what? I love you too.”

He shoots a cheeky grin in the older boy’s direction.

Yixing merely grunts and mumbles, “Yeah yeah..if you say so Jongdae.” His phone buzzes. “Oh wait. A message,” he turns his gaze over to the younger, who is disturbingly making kissy-faces at him. Rolling his eyes and snorting at the absurd behavior of his younger friend, Yixing unlocks the sleek black device in his hands.

The words that greet him has him smiling like an idiot.

 

_Did you really think you could just run off like that? You owe me big time for the things I had to do to persuade that bitch into giving me your number_

 

“Zhang Yixing! Kim Jongdae! Why the fuck are you not inside?!”

 

Yixing looks up and gulps.

_Ah crap._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uploaded part one yesterday. have decided to upload multiple parts @ one go from now on. since like, everything is already written.
> 
> comments and kudos will be very much appreciated!!


	3. Regret

The only source of light comes from the silver orb hanging in the velvet black sky. The soft moon beams shines over Jongin, and he shivers at the eerie glow casted on his skin.

The young man reaches out a hand for the photo frame that he has on his bedside table. He looks at the picture with a longing expression in his eyes and a growing ache in his heart.

Jongin rapidly blinks away the tears that are forming and threatening to spill over – he cannot afford to have his vision blurred now. His fingers ghost over one of the smiling faces and the hairline fracture in his heart widens to a gaping hole. He lets out a soft whimper – he knows that the hole will probably never heal, never be mended. And he has no one to blame but himself. The one at fault is him, only him, and the knowledge has him reeling in despair. Regret’s a fucking bitch, Jongin thinks. _Too bad that bitch is here to stay, to haunt me forever_.

Jongin’s mind begins to wander to all the what ifs, the what could have beens, and the what should have beens.

Till it gets too painful for him to think of all the possibilities, the wasted opportunities. The openings he missed, and the closings he didn’t have a say in - the heart-wrenching goodbye that had happened all because of his own stupidity, his blindness. Till the regret gets too much for him to bear.

He’s in the middle of a sea of anguish, an ocean of pain, and he’s drowning. Drowning – struggling for air as the waves crash upon him, swallowing him, engulfing him. Eating him alive.

Jongin chokes on air, and struggles to breathe again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> go forth and leave a comment people :)
> 
> I cannot emphasize how much of a comment-whore I am lol.


	4. Chapter 4

“Ah Jongin. Here to see Yixing?,” Taemin greets with a cheery smile. “His class just ended 10 minutes ago so he’s probably still in there going through the steps for next week’s session.”

Jongin nods politely at Yixing’s colleague. “Thanks man. Room three?”

“You’ve got it. Could you get Xing to lock up? See you around Jongin!”

“Oh and,” Taemin looks back – adjusting the strap on his shoulder. “Tell that boyfriend of yours to stop taking up the extra lessons and quit working himself to the bone. He’s going to burn out if he continues. Maybe he’ll stop being so stubborn for once and listen if you’re the one telling him.”

“Crap, Jinki hyung’s gonna eat my share of chicken,” he glances at his watch and mutters aloud. “I’ve gotta dash! Bye!”

Jongin blinks once, twice, and the other man is already gone with the wind.

He frowns and whispers into the still air. “Yixing is just my friend though.”

 

-*&*-

 

 

A smile creeps onto Yixing’s face when he feels a pair of arms circle his waist from behind. “Hey. Ready to go?” He leans back into the familiar embrace – back pressing against a firm wall of sculptured abs – and hums low in his throat.

A soft laugh sounds in his ear and soon after, a murmur follows. “Let’s get you home okay? You can’t even stand upright, using me as your support and all that.”

“Not that I mind very much of course. You have permission to lean on me whenever and wherever you want,” whispers Jongin a beat later – teeth finding the soft flesh of Yixing’s ear lobe.

The older of the two bites back a chuckle. “How very..generous of you. My my Jongin, you never struck me as a particularly giving person. I wonder what changed?”

“Hmm?,” Jongin looks up from the expanse of pale skin of Yixing’s neck where has been placing butterfly kisses. “I’m only generous when it comes to you hyung. Aren’t you feeling oh-so-special? You should you know.”

Yixing turns in Jongin’s strong arms and looks at him with dancing eyes. He leans up to whisper against those full lips. “Is that so?,” he darts out his tongue to trace the outline of the younger boy’s mouth. “In that case, I suppose I should reward you for being such a good boy to me, shouldn’t I?”

Jongin grins and tilts his head to one side – playful glint in his dark orbs. “What do you have in mind?”

“I’m pretty sure I can think of something. Let me see…”

Yixing pouts slightly, lips pursing in the way that make them jut out, the bottom one a little more than the top. The shift in those lips is small, minimal, and barely noticeable. Unnoticeable to inattentive eyes. And yet, Jongin has his focus and undivided attention on that pretty little mouth. That plump bottom lip that begged and screamed to be bitten. He swallows down the sudden influx of saliva in his own mouth, adam’s apple bobbing.

The soft laughter that bubbles out from Yixing’s throat has Jongin wondering _Wait. Is he teasing me?_ And when he spots the tip of Yixing’s tongue poke out between those luscious pink petals, slowly trailing over them and making the soft flesh there glisten tantalizingly with spit, Jongin lets out a growl – a low feral sound – because _Dammit he’s definitely teasing me._

“The thoughts running in your head must be fascinating..” Yixing whispers into his ear – moist lips a hair’s breadth away. “For you to have such a reaction.”

He sucks the earlobe into his mouth to punctuate the statement.

Stepping away from Jongin, Yixing smiles brightly – face a look of pure innocence – and pats the growing bulge in the younger’s pants. “Tell me Jongin. Tell hyung what you’re thinking.”

Jongin groans aloud and pulls the older boy back into his arms, till their bodies are pressed flush against each other. Till his hardness is pressing into Yixing’s milky thigh.

“Don’t act all innocent on me hyung. I see right through your façade, you can’t fool me.”

“Oh? Is that so?” smirks Yixing as he winds his slender arms around Jongin’s neck.

The affirmation dies on Jongin’s lips and a strangled gasp comes out instead, because Yixing has chosen that very moment to roll his hips and press both their erections together.

“Fucking tease,” says Jongin – shooting a glare at the older boy. Yixing grins teasingly at his breathless voice and glazed eyes.

“But I haven’t even started,” a hand reaches down to give Jongin’s hardening cock a quick squeeze. “My roommate went home for the week so the room is all mine. Shall we? “

Jongin does not reply, choosing instead to lean forward and smash their mouths together, hands’ attaching themselves onto Yixing’s back, pulling the boy even closer still. Teeth knock and clash painfully, as tongues are thrust and pushed recklessly into the other’s mouth. Spit dribbles out from the corners of reddened lips as both young men devoured each other around the faint coppery taste of blood from split and cut gums. Yixing groans, Jongin swallows it.

The older of the two tears himself away from the heated fray by placing his palms on Jongin’s chest, and manages to pant out – chest heaving and breaths erratic. “I take that as a yes?”

Jongin looks down at Yixing. The swirling haze of lust he sees in the older boy’s brown eyes sends a spark right down to his throbbing erection. His breath catches at the sheer beauty in front of him. Flushed cheeks, kiss-swollen red lips, and sparkling eyes.

The animal in him rears its head, and Jongin has to fight off the urge and desire to rip off every single shred of Yixing’s clothes, to ravish the older male right there and then. To mark the pale delectable skin, to claim Zhang Yixing as Kim Jongin’s - his and only his.

The thought of having the beautiful boy all to himself sends yet another spark to his painfully erect cock.

“Jongin?”

The sound of that one word – his own name – uttered in Yixing’s soft melodious voice, has Jongin reeling in the head. His hardened cock twitches in his pants. He can feel the precome smearing all over his tip and staining the fabric of his underwear.

Throwing all wind to caution, Jongin reaches for the zip on Yixing’s jeans.

“No hyung,” he says shakily - breathily. “That’s a no. I’m going to fuck that perfect little hole in your perfect ass now. Right here, right now.”

“And no,” he adds upon seeing Yixing about to protest. “You don’t really have a say in it, you fucking tease.”

Jongin yanks the older boy’s jeans down and steps closer, rubbing their crotches together. Jongin sees that Yixing is also hard with want, and he has to bite down on his lower lip to prevent a wanton moan from escaping. He reaches over to place his fingers under the waistband of the red briefs that Yixing is wearing – the vibrant color contrasting brilliantly with the milky white of his thighs – when the elder frowns deeply, slaps his hand away, steps back – placing a considerable distance between the two boys, and pulls his jeans back up.

Jongin stares open-mouthed at him as his stomach drops. Yixing places great emphasis on respect and by calling him a fucking tease, Jongin has probably made a grave mistake. Jongin knows that he has royally fucked up but Yixing was driving him up the wall and he really doesn’t want to have sex with his hand when all he wants is to bury his throbbing cock in Yixing’s heat. He’s hard, so hard for the older male, and as if to prove it, his member twitches in his soiled underwear again.

“Hyung, Yixing hyung..,” he pleads, an arm stretching out towards him.

The words die on his lips when he spots the diabolical grin at the corner of Yixing’s mouth. Jongin blinks, and before he knows it, Yixing is right in front of him and pushing him down to the floor. The second Jongin’s back hits the ground with a soft thud, Yixing climbs onto him. Hands on either side of the younger boy’s head, he bends down to growl into Jongin’s open mouth – their chests touching and hips aligned to perfection. “Who says you can top huh. Who gave you permission you insolent brat.”

Jongin moans and jerks his hips up, desperate for some friction. He’s just about to say something along the lines of Kim Jongin has never bottomed for anyone and is not planning to do it anytime soon when Yixing bends a leg and presses his knee down on Jongin’s very noticeable bulge.

Jongin chokes on his saliva as his eyes fly open at that unexpected but not at all unwelcomed move.

He rather likes the sound Yixing makes at the back of his throat when he bites at those soft pliant lips. Jongin decides, with a smile on his face, that Yixing can be the exception.

But not today.

Jongin places his left hand at the back of Yixing’s head while his right leg moves to hook around Yixing’s thigh, and flips them.

The hand between Yixing’s head and the floor throbs in pain, but Jongin ignores it in favor of grinning at the surprised boy trapped below him.


	5. Chapter 5

Jongin lays spread-eagled on his back in the middle of a quiet and deserted practice room three. His chest heaves erratically, rising and falling rapidly, and his labored breaths come out as harsh painful gasps. His heartbeat beats at an alarmingly quick pace, and beads of perspiration has his clothes sticking uncomfortably to his burning skin.

It’s two in the early hours of the morning, and Jongin has been dancing by himself without any music or air-conditioning for the past hour. Pushing his body to the absolute limits, stretching and bending, spinning and extending.

The young man allows himself another 10 seconds of rest before pushing the hair away from his face and gets to his feet. Every muscle in his body screams out in protest but he merely whispers to himself, “Pain is what makes us human. Endurance is key Jongin, keep going. Don’t give up.”

He can taste salt on his tongue. Jongin isn’t sure if the saltiness came from his sweat or tears.

Jongin closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath, ready to start his routine all over again. He stretches out his arm and is about to turn when _Know your limits, don’t push too hard or you’ll only crash and burn_ floats by his ear. He freezes on the spot, heartbeat accelerating at the words whispered.

The shock from hearing Yixing’s soft voice when he least expected it proves too much for Jongin. His knees buckle and legs give way as shock gives way to overwhelming longing and pain. So much pain. Jongin collapses to the ground, silent tears trickling down his tired and withdrawn face.

He stares blankly at the empty space around him as fatigue washes over him. Jongin closes his eyes and slowly lies down. He’s tired, so tired of everything. Tired of holding on to yesterdays that has long gone, tired of the memories that haunt and mock him every single minute when he’s awake, the bittersweet dreams that he has when he finally succumbs to sleep every night. Tired of the regret that sends sharp pangs of pain to his heart every time he sees something that reminds him of Zhang Yixing. Tired of being so alone and miserable when his days were once filled with warm embraces, musical laughter, and sparkling eyes. Jongin wants to go to sleep without waking up.

He can see Yixing behind his closed eyelids. Yixing is smiling with a soft look in his brown eyes, smiling at Jongin as he whispers – eyes twinkling slightly, “I love you Jongin.”

The Yixing in his eye’s mind is so close, the distance between them a mere arm’s length. Jongin reaches out a hand to caress a soft cheek, to feel the warmness he craves, the warmth that has been absent in his life ever since that day.

His fingers close around cool air and Yixing slowly fades away – vanishes.

Jongin feels his heart in his throat as he cracks his eyes open and sees nothing but bleak darkness.

He chokes out brokenly, the ache in his chest growing with every second, “I’m sorry Yixing. Come back, don’t leave me.”

The words echo slightly in the air before disappearing altogether.


	6. Chapter 6

A white envelope with his name printed on it gets shoved into Jongin’s face the moment he slams the door to his locker shut.

He spares a glance at the envelope before shooting a look at the boy holding it.

“It’s a letter for you Jongin,” Sehun says – bored expression on his face.

Jongin rolls his eyes and snorts disdainfully, “I can see that it’s a letter you stupid. Who is it from?”

Sehun frowns at the jab he gets in his arm. “How would I know, I’m just the messenger.”

The older boy sighs heavily. “You’re the messenger,” he points at Sehun. “And I’m person B.” Jongin jerks his thumb at himself.

“Who is person A?” he asks, voicing his words slowly – mimicking talking to a preschooler.

“Joonmyun hyung.”

“Wait. Joonmyun hyung sent me that letter?”

Sehun shakes his head. “No,” he says slowly. “He’s the original messenger. I’m just an interceptor.”

Jongin stares at the slightly younger boy and pokes the skinny chest just for the sake of it.

Grinning at the indignant yelp, Jongin grabs Sehun in a playful headlock and tugs them both in the direction of the cafeteria – letter forgotten.

“Jongin.”

The two boys turn around and see Joonmyun walking towards them.

Letting go off Sehun, Jongin pastes a grin as he raises a palm in the air and says, “Hey Gramps, wassup?”

Plucking the envelope from Sehun’s fingers, Joonmyun slaps it into Jongin’s hand “Read it.”

“Hyung, please don’t tell me you have no idea what a high-five is. I mean, everyone knows you’re a grandpa and from another era but still – “

The oldest of the three boys shuts Jongin up with a pointed look. “Just read the darn thing already.”

The younger raises a brow.

“It’s from Heungsoo.”

Jongin’s grin slides down his face, fingers clutching at the crisp white paper.

Sehun and Joonmyun both silently look on – the former with wide eyes and the latter with a slight frown – as their friend lifts up the flap of the envelope with his features schooled into an unreadable expression.

Dear Jongin, Heungsoo here. I just want you to know that Minki and I are over. I also need you to understand that I never meant to cheat on you. He was the one who made the first move and I –

Not even bothering to carry on reading, Jongin crushes the paper and stalks to the recycle bin.

“Never meant to cheat on me my ass. If you even had a shred of sincerity in you, you would have written the damn letter instead of typing it out.”

He tosses the letter away. “This is exactly why I don’t believe in love. I can’t trust anyone other than myself.”

Jongin shoves away the image of Yixing’s face in his head even as his stomach lurches in a strange manner.

 

 

-*&*-

 

 

Jongin is having his lunch when Junsu bounds over and thumps him on the back. “Yo Kim Jongin!”

Said boy threw down his chopsticks and shouted, “What?! What do you want?!” then seeing the shock on the older man’s face, he hurries to add, “Sorry Junsu hyung. I just- did you need something?”

“I uh, I mean your boyfriend –“

“Boyfriend? What boyfriend?” Jongin shoots him a glare, brows furrowing.

Junsu blinks and says hesitantly, “Zhang Yixing?”

“Yixing isn’t my boyfriend.”

“But I thought - ,” the older boy frowns, “What is he then? If he isn’t your boyfriend?”

“That’s something I would like to know as well.”

Jongin whips his head around and is greeted with the sight of a frowning Yixing. Oh shit.

He hurriedly gets to his feet. “Xing hyung, you’re here.”

Yixing barks out a laugh as Junsu mumbles, “That’s what I was trying to tell you.”

“Nice observation skills Jongin. Yes I’m here,” Yixing bites out – hurt evident in his clipped tone. “And now I’m leaving, so goodbye.”

Wait, don’t go. Don’t leave me.

“Yixing wait,” Jongin calls out as he rushes to the older boy – arm outstretched. “I can explain.”

“Don’t make me cause a scene in front of everyone Jongin. I don’t want to embarrass you in your own school. So just leave it for now.”

Jongin gives a small start at the blatant look of hurt and disappointment swirling in Yixing’s brown orbs. He places his hands on the elder’s shoulders, leans in, and says softly, “Look, I couldn’t care less about them. The most important thing right now is for you to understand. So please just let me explain okay?”

Yixing shoves him back forcefully, shaking his head slowly in disbelief and laughs softly – scornfully. “Alright then, go ahead. I’m listening. Are you going to explain to me how I was just your fuck buddy, someone you can use and then throw away?”

He squints and crosses his arms. “Who or what am I to you Jongin? Your toy?”

Jongin’s heart lurches uncomfortably as Yixing’s words slap him across the face. “No! Of course not,” he shouts – panic rising sickeningly in his chest. “Hyung you’re much more. So much more, you have to believe me.”

He steps forward. The older boy steps back and whispers, “Your friend then? Your friend with benefits? Is that it?”

“Yixing hyung, why are you doing this to me? Why are you being like this?”

Yixing stares silently at him for a few seconds before saying shakily, “Are you asking me why I love you? Because I really don’t know Jongin. I foolishly thought that I actually mean something to you. Guess it’s all me huh.”

He swipes the back of a hand across his eyes, and steps towards the younger boy – grabbing the front of his shirt. “I love you Jongin,” he says – tears in his eyes. “Don’t you? Don’t you love me?”

Jongin stares at him with a sinking heart. Yixing loves him. Heungsoo had once said he loved him.

Jongin sighs and closes his eyes. “I’m sorry Yixing hyung.

Opening his eyes when he feels the grip on his shirt loosen, Jongin sees the hands fall limply to Yixing’s sides. He sees the older boy’s crest-fallen expression - the shock, the disbelief, and above all, the pain.

Jongin gets a backlash of regret when he sees how broken Yixing looks and wants nothing more at that moment than to wrap the boy in his arms. He stops himself when a new expression surfaces on the older boy’s tear-stricken pale face. A look of pure loathing.

Yixing steps back, turns, and runs away. Away from Jongin.

“I never want to see you again Kim Jongin.”

Jongin feels the walls closing in on him, and it gets so hard to breathe


	7. Jongdae

 

 

Jongdae chews on his bottom lip as he looks at Yixing sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of a luggage and various articles of clothing strewn around him.

He sighs softly as Yixing picks up a sweatshirt, folds it into a neat square, and places it into the half-filled luggage. The older boy turns his head around at the sound and gives Jongdae a quick smile before returning to his packing.

 

Jongdae gets up from his spot on the bed and walks towards Yixing. Crouching down, he wraps his lanky arms around the elder’s lean frame and whispers, “Do you really have to go?”

Yixing smiles but says nothing, leaning back and resting his head against the younger boy’s collarbone. Jongdae sighs again as he shifts to a more comfortable position, sitting behind Yixing and tightening his arms around the latter. Resting a chin on a shoulder, he mumbles, “I don’t want you to go. I’ll miss you too much.”

“You’re only upset because your personal piggy-bank is leaving.”

Jongdae frowns at the laughter in the older boy’s voice. “Fine. Leave, go. Whatever, I don’t care.”

Yixing chuckles lightly and says, “Why are arms still around me then?”

“Xing Xing hyung – “

“I’ll miss you too Jongdae,” Yixing shifts slightly and turns to face the pouting boy. “I promise to visit whenever I can okay? Come on, cheer up. Where’s that smile I love so much?”

“It flew away when you told me you’re leaving me,” Jongdae frowns. “I don’t get how you can be so heartless to me.”

“Aww..my poor baby, “ Yixing hugs the clearly distraught boy. “I’m sorry but you know that I don’t have a choice right?”

Jongdae buries his face into Yixing’s neck. “Forget about him hyung.”

“You know I can’t do that if I remain here. I need a fresh start Jongdae,” says Yixing as he strokes the younger’s soft brown hair.

“D-did he really mean that much to you?”

“Jongin – he’s the first person I fell in love with. He’s also the first person who broke my heart.”

Jongdae sniffles. “Is it really impossible for you to stay? I –I’ll fix your heart hyung. I’ll do anything, just don’t leave me.”

Caught off-guard by the words and the splash on his neck, Yixing hurriedly pulls away and tilts Jongdae’s head up. His eyes widened at the teary eyes of the younger boy. “Jongdae-ah..,” he reaches out a hand to wipe the tears away.

“I know I don’t stand a chance but – “

“Hyung. Yixing hyung.”

The young man at the door called out, cutting off Jongdae.

Yixing’s heart did a flip. “What are you doing here?”

He gets to his feet and looks at Jongdae.

“Jongdae – “

“I’ll be outside okay?,” the younger boy says as he wipes the tear tracks with his sleeve – standing up as well. “You two should have a talk.”

He walks out the room with his head bowed, pausing only to close the door behind him.

 

 

-*&*-

 

 

Yixing sinks to the floor once the door shuts with a soft click. Staring at the ground, he mutters, “How long have you been standing there?”

“Long enough to hear you say that I was the first person you fell in love with. Is that true hyung?”

Yixing looks up to see an ill-at-ease Jongin fidgeting about. “What. Are you going to rub it into my face? Because you can just get lost if that’s what you’re planning to do.”

Jongin snaps his head up and stares at the elder. He opens his mouth and is about to say something when he catches sight of the expression on Yixing’s scowling face. He looks around the room instead.

“You..you’re going somewhere? For a vacation?”

“I’m going back to China,” Yixing pauses – brows furrowing. “For good.”

Whipping his head around, Jongin asks – eyes slightly widened - panic rising, “What about your students and the kids at the orphanage? What about – what about Jongdae? You can’t just leave them.” _What about me? Were you planning to leave me too?_

Something breaks in Yixing and he all but jumps to his feet. Flaming eyes trained on Jongin’s face, he snarls out, “Don’t you dare try to make me feel guilty about leaving.”

Eyes flashing with deep loathing, he continues as makes to move towards the door. “If anything at all, you should be the one who’s guilty.”

A hand on a shoulder, a single whispered word, “Why?”

Yixing shrugs off Jongin’s hand and says steadily – dark flames burning in his eyes, “You should feel guilty for playing around with my heart.”

Stepping forward, he wraps his fingers around the brass knob and whispers – shoulders shaking, “For making me trust you.”

“For making me fall in love with a fucking bastard like you”

Yixing turns the knob and steps out of the room without a second glance.

A solitary tear rolls down Jongin’s cheek - the first tear in over ten years.

 

 

-*&*-

 

 

Yixing places his hands on Jongdae’s face and uses his thumbs to brush away the tears threatening to fall from the younger’s eyes.

Leaning up to press his lips against the latter’s forehead, Yixing whispers – tears falling from his own eyes.

“I’m sorry Jongdae. But this is goodbye.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what have i done/cries ;;;


	8. Luhan

Shadowing Jongin’s every movement with his sharp and penetrating gaze; Luhan brushes away imaginary specks of dust from his beige cashmere sweater and says casually – as if talking about something mundane like the weather.

“Tell me again why you’re flying off to China tomorrow? Didn’t you say your dance class is going to England in a few days? You’re not going?”

Jongin pauses in his actions to throw his long-time friend a glance before resuming his packing.

“Well, turns out I have more important things to attend to.”

“In China?,” Luhan quirks an eyebrow. “You’re graduating next year, Jongin. I don’t think that England is an opportunity you should pass up on.”

Jongin turns to look at him with a slight frown on his face. “Luhan hyung, I get it okay? I know you’re concerned about my education, which I still don’t understand why, but I’m grateful for the good intentions okay.”

“Having that said,” Jongin pauses, “I’ve told you how important Yixing is to me, haven’t I?”

Luhan sighs and runs a hand through his blonde hair. Completely ignoring the question, he says, “Okay so you’re going after him to tell him you’re sorry and that you love him back. What makes you think he’ll take you back?”

Rolling his eyes when the younger boy stayed silent, Luhan continues, “You’ve already tried stopping him once right? Did he change his mind? No. So why would he this time?”

Jongin mutters – more to himself than to his friend, “Because he loves me, he’ll come back. I’ll tell him I love him too, I-I’ll make him come back. He’ll come back, he has to.”

Luhan raises a skeptical eyebrow and asks the younger boy.

“It’s been weeks Jongin, weeks. You’re sure about his feelings?”

Jongin falls silent again – Luhan’s words sending a wave of uncertainty through him.

“You’re being ridiculous Jongin,” the older boy says with a strange expression. “You’ve already tried. And you failed. Don’t you think you should let go and move on with your life?”

Jongin’s head shoots up at that. “I can’t afford to give up now; I have to keep on persevering. I-I’ll just have to try again, won’t I?”

“Jongin-ah,” Luhan pleads softly – exasperation creeping into his voice. “You’ll break if you push too hard. I don’t want to see that happen to you.”

Jongin’s heart clenches at the familiar words. Know your limits. You’ll crash and burn if you push too hard.

“Hyung, I know what you’re thinking but I - I still want to do this. I have to do this,” he starts to say.

“It doesn’t matter to me even if he hates me; I have to be with him. I’d rather live a lie and pretend that everything’s alright than to never see him again. Because no matter how much I try to deny and ignore it, I can’t live without him.”

“I’m willing to throw away everything I have, I’m willing to leave behind my home country for a place I don’t even speak the language.”

“Because without him, the world as I know it will cease to exist.”

Luhan’s face softens at the younger boy’s words and a heavy sigh escapes him.


	9. Chapter 9

It’s raining when Jongin spots a heart-achingly familiar figure in the middle of a street.

And without giving it another thought, he runs forward to the said figure.

His entire body is drenched, his hair plastered all over his face, his clothes sticking to his skin, and he’s shivering from the cold brittle wind.

But all that doesn’t matter because Jongin has his arms around Yixing and everything feels right again. Yixing’s in his arms and that’s what really matters.

“Don’t leave me Xing,” he sobs quietly. “I’m sorry. Don’t go.”

Yixing doesn’t move for a second. Then he pries away the arms around his frame and turns around.

Looking into the younger boy’s dark orbs, he asks simply, “Do you love me?”

Jongin blinks and chokes on his words. “I…”

_Hesitations. Damn hesitations._

Yixing smiles softly – a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

Bending down to pick up the umbrella that has fallen to the ground, he presses the wooden handle into Jongin’s shaking hand and says softly.

“Go home and take a warm shower. Don’t follow me.”

Jongin continues staring wordlessly even after the elder gives him another small smile and walks away.

He stares with a freezing heart as he notices Yixing’s shoulders tremble - an indication that he’s crying.

The rain pours relentlessly down upon Yixing’s slender body and Jongin wants to do something – anything - to shelter him from the cold.

He watches as another familiar silhouette run towards the shivering body and pull him into a nearby shop.

Jongin doesn’t pause to figure out who that second figure is.

All he can focus on is how numb his heart feels, how cold he is.


	10. Chapter 10

Luhan stands up from the couch he was sitting on, and slowly makes his way to Jongin.

“He won’t take you back Jongin.”

“What, how – “

Luhan stops directly in front of the younger boy and says clearly, “Because I won’t let him.”

“I’m leaving for China as well.”

Jongin blinks. Realization hits him like a ton of bricks.

Luhan. It was Luhan who he saw that day. Luhan who was with Yixing.

Luhan, who is going to end the story once and for all.

He stares at the older boy with shock clearly etched on his face. “B-but I thought we were friends!”

“We are friends.” Luhan voices out calmly. “And we can remain that way.”

His eyes flash. “Provided you keep your distance from Yixing. But if you don’t,” he lowers his voice, “Don’t blame me for playing dirty. I’ve warned you.”

“I don’t believe this!,” Jongin shouts – his hands going up to cover his ears. “Hyung you’re joking right? Luhan you can’t – you can’t do this to me. Our years of friendship, doesn’t it mean anything to you?”

Luhan gazes at his younger friend and sighs softly. Reaching up to pull those hand away from his ears, he says – eyes glinting strangely.

“I like you Jongin, I really do. But all’s fair in love and war.”

“And I, for one, won’t be afraid to admit that I love him,” he shrugs lightly and peers into Jongin’s pale face. “He’ll be happy with me; I’ll make sure of it. You want him to happy, don’t you? Don’t you, Jongin?”

Jongin forces down to urge to throw up as he flinches away from the boy he has known for years. He can feel the foul taste of bile in his mouth when he whispers, “I spent hours and days missing him. You can’t do this.”

Luhan rolls his eyes. “Well, _I_ spent every second of every day thinking about ways to keep him by my side. So please don’t think that I’m going to give up just because you’re asking me to.”

“I don’t want to fight you Jongin,” he says softly with something akin to pity in his eyes.

“I’m sorry but you had your chance and - ,” Luhan pauses, taking in a deep breath.

“It isn’t my fault you chose to blow it. Don’t ruin mine.”


	11. Chapter 11

 

_Jongin is standing under the showerhead in his bathroom, a hot gush of water spaying over him. His head throbs painfully, and his heart feels like there’s a thousand daggers shoved mercilessly into it. Punching the wall in frustration, the young man throws his head back and screams. Not because of the pain in his hand, not because of the blood trickling down his fist. Jongin screams because he feels so empty, so hollow. And it scares him; it scares him so much because there’s nothing he can do about it. He’s helpless, alone, trapped._

_-* &*-_

_His phone vibrates in his bedroom._

_One new message from Zhang Yixing : You had your chance. Goodbye Jongin._


End file.
